BENNY SHOPS FOR BOWS AND BOXES

BENNY stops at the Union Sq farmers market to take notice of the crazy boxes with bows on top. he also likes the neat stacks of white containers with pretty bows. even the wholesomeness of xmas time isn't off-limits to sir BENNY the pun-master.

BENNY U.S. HOLIDAY MARKETS

BENNY procrastinates and shops for last minute gifts at the Union Sq holiday market. the mood is frantic. everyone is stressed and rushing. even for new yorkers it's an accelerated shit-storm of nerves. this is an action shot of a particularly frantic ny shopper bulldozing over BENNY. they both yell obscenities at each other and then go about their merry ways.

BENNY BEGINS TO LOOK LIKE XMAS

BENNY drops by the Union SQ Farmers market and shops for a xmas wreath. BENNY procrastinates and waits until the day before xmas eve. naughty BENNY.

BENNY IS MAC N CHEESE PANCAKE HUNGRY

BENNY craves the 500+ schizophrenic delicious creations at Shopsin, now nestled within Essex Market. BENNY's go-tos are the tasty eclectic pancakes, egoistical egg-licious marvels, politically incorrect sandwiches and offensively superb rules and treatment. BENNY always goes hoping for a chance to spar with the master himself, the bitterly famous diner and insult-wielding genius Kenny Shopsin. no dice this time. but a close runner up to the true NY quirky experience, as he sits and waits for his "tots and dots", the chefs (one was probably a Shopsin foul-mouthed offspring) ask BENNY to man the utensils for a free meal. BENNY almost falls for it. close call BENNY.

BENNY'S ALMOST BARBER AT ESSEX MARKET

BENNY considers Aminova for his next shave and uni-brow trim. he decides that being surrounded by the semi-synchronized tick-tocks of wall clocks new and aged aren't the best use of his time.

BENNY SHOPS ESSEX MARKET

BENNY is a big fan of the Essex Market. it reminds him of his island market roots with its various food vendors packed into one space, reasonably priced familiar fruits, veggies, package products and lively family-like atmosphere. from foo-foo gourmet meats and cheese shops to the crazy "DO-NOT-TOUCH! NO PHOTOS!" religious relics guy by the meats section, BENNY feels quite at home here.

BENNY QUESTIONS XMAS

BENNY notices an alarming amount of belligerent santa's roaming the streets on saturday. also, he spots many scantily clad drummer boys, elves and a jesus that tries to walk on water in a fountain and fails. one of the sexy drummer boys enlightens him "it's Santacon silly!" (people dress up as santa claus and other wholesome childhood xmas fantasies and turn them into public displays of fantastic holiday spirited hedonism, traumatizing gullible children everywhere, while delighting santa outfit producers and bars.) BENNY makes an inappropriate pun to the little drummer boy-girl about her stocking-stuffer. BENNY almost looses his eye by her drumstick. silly BENNY.

BENNY IS DELI HUNGRY

BENNY tries his luck at Katz deli. continuing his juicy balls theme he wants to order a corn beef sandwich, pickles and a bowl of matzo balls soup. he described to me in great detail how he intends to arrange everything (inappropriately) at his table. luckily, the lines were too long. BENNY yelled out a kosher profanity and left deflated.

BENNY IS MEATBALL HUNGRY

BENNY goes to the MEATBALL SHOP in the LES. he salivating in anticipation for some spicy pork and vegetarian balls with an everything but the kitchen sink salad. BENNY loves this place. BENNY loves to say i want to eat your juicy balls. knowing about the notoriously long wait BENNY arrives at half past noon on saturday. the chubby hipster hostess tells him 1 hr. BENNY expresses his disappointment and leaves, without his beloved juicy balls.

BENNY AND FRANKY AT THE APARTMENT

this past weekend i met up with BENNY again. true to his charming nature BENNY was nursing a heavy hang-over. but he was in a relatively jovial mood. BENNY was commiserating with another brain damaged friend, FRANKY. FRANKY, also known as FRANKY THE FLASHING LADYBUG, is BENNY's partner in crimes and misdemeanors. where-ever BENNY goes FRANKY goes apparently, though unnoticeable most times since FRANKY is a small insect and also loves fuchsia. to my delight i found out that FRANKY is capable of frequenting places that BENNY may not be welcome; either due to BENNY's un-well-mannered demeanor, or, as BENNY insists, blatant racial and synthetic discrimination.

Hello.

A quick post about this nonsense. Please read top to bottom rather than recently posted. I am new to this blogging business so please forgive the amateur-like nature of this blog.
Feel free to comment on how stupid, funny, or boring this is, I can take it. I can't speak for BENNY.
Future typical Saturday's with BENNY ideas are welcome. BENNY is willing to do, travel, and try anything that he deems is fun and/or absurd for someone of his nature to be doing in NYC.
Lastly, if you just as taken by BENNY as I was, you can make friends with others just like BENNY at blimpus.com.

Thanks for reading. I hope this was a sufficient use of your time avoiding doing something productive that adds more meaning to your life. It certainly was for me.

BENNY AND OMAR THE OWL

this is a picture from the night I met BENNY. he was accompanied by his buddy OMAR THE OWL. BENNY and OMAR were deep in discussion about the relevance for grammatical integrity when using who versus whom in daily conversation. BENNY's stance is that it is imperative that the rules of English grammar be followed, always. OMAR's stance is that it is inconsequential and not worth chastising others for aristocratic pet-peeves. eventually they agreed to disagree and went out bar-hopping in the east village until 4am.

BENNY AND SHORTI AT THE APARTMENT

this is BENNY the following morning. BENNY is a little hung-over. BENNY promises never to booze again and starts his day. part of BENNY's saturday morning ritual involves a quick shower while listening to “wait, wait, don’t tell me” on npr and catching up with his roommates. BENNY tells SHORTI, roomate 1, about his visit to the dentist yesterday afternoon. BENNY imparts to SHORTI the benefits of flossing.

BENNY AND B AT THE APARTMENT

BENNY tells B THE DOG, roommate 2, a joke he heard at the bar: "what did the blimp say to the bee?" "buzz off" B finds the hilarity in the joke. B THE DOG is a dog. then BENNY and B go out for a morning pee and shit.

BENNY ON DA ROOF

BENNY loves his rooftop. he goes up there often to ponder life. and gaze at the breathtaking skyline. and gaze at grazing clouds above. and watch the birdies fly in circles. and stare into the neighboring buildings below. BENNY does not believe the latter makes him a perv.

BENNY DECIDES TO CATCH A TAN

BENNY feels a pale shade of fuchsia and lays down to tan. but soon enough BENNY starts to feel light-headed. BENNY is made out of supple plastic from china. over-exposure to sun and heat is not recommended for his condition. BENNY decides to leave the roof. wise choice BENNY.

THIS IS NOT BENNY'S BIKE

BENNY fancies this bike and wants to ride it. BENNY thinks the colors match his outfit. but BENNY eventually decides against committing theft. also, he decides red and fuchsia clash. wise choice BENNY.

BENNY GETS PUMPED UP FOR THE DAY

BENNY needs to fill up with more hot air. he waits in line with the other cars and cabs. BENNY is grateful he wasn't born a tire.

BENNY LIKES SCULPTURES

BENNY decides to visit the sculpture garden next to his building. BENNY likes the naked one the most. the one that resembles a large abstract sharp can opener disturbs him the most.

BENNY LIKES SCULPTURES, STILL

BENNY thinks these crates resemble the exuberance of his youth. also, they remind him of the crates that he was stuffed into after his birth in china. those crates were then stuffed into larger shipping crates. those larger shipping crates were then stuffed into even larger shipping containers and sent on a massive shipping ship over high violent seas. BENNY decides to leave the sculpture garden before he starts to have flashbacks and vomit uncontrollably.

BENNY GETS A CLOSE SHAVE

BENNY decides he needs a shave. so he goes to his local Puerto Rican owned barber shop. BENNY only trusts RICARDO with a blade. RICARDO has a fear of popping balloons. RICARDO was known as the little kid from the neighborhood that held his ears in anticipation of an over-blown balloon. and if it popped he always pissed his pants and ran away, crying. this is why BENNY trusts and likes RICARDO. but BENNY doesn't like that RICARDO gives him shit about his uni-brow every time. BENNY prefers to keep his uni-brow intact. forever.

BENNY IS BRUNCH HUNGRY

BENNY feels famished, especially after the long arduous night of binge drinking, so tries his luck at getting a table at Clinton St. Bakery on Clinton St. the tall hipster hostess tells him 2 hrs. BENNY decides that is an absurd amount of time to wait for pancakes. also, this dog-child on a short leash is annoying and getting dangerously close to teething on BENNY. so BENNY decides to try his luck elsewhere. wise choice BENNY.

BENNY WALKS

BENNY walks by the new ye local weave shop. the mannequin busts frighten BENNY. also, the scent of formaldehyde and other chemically odorous hair products in the morning makes BENNY queasy. CHRIS ROCK advises against it anyway. CHRIS ROCK is wise.

THIS IS NOT BENNY'S SCOOTER

BENNY fancies this scooter and wants to ride it. but BENNY doesn't know how to hot-wire a scooter. BENNY decides to not steal the scooter. wise choice BENNY.

BENNY AT THE GARDEN

BENNY walks by the 6th st garden and wants to help out with the gardening. but BENNY isn't much help. BENNY lacks some crucial tools, like arms and fingers.

BENNY RESTS

BENNY rests for a moment by the koi pond in the garden. BENNY likes to watch the koi fishys in the water. they calm him. then the koi fish splash around which starts to remind BENNY of his youth on the high seas. BENNY decides to leave before he gets flashbacks and vomit uncontrollably.

BENNY CHATS WITH A FRIEND

BENNY runs into a friend at Tompkins Square Park. she is very nice and very cute and and has good taste in clothes. BENNY is hot for his cute, nice, well dressed friend but there is nothing he can do about it because BENNY is in friend-zone, forever. poor BENNY.

BENNY WANTS A HIP DRINK

BENNY decides he needs a drink after seeing his cute can't-touch-this friend. so he tries his luck at PDT. BENNY hates the phone-booth gimmick but he likes the fancy cocktails and the scent of mildewy taxidermys. also, BENNY likes that you can eat tater tots while drinking a $15 fancy-pants drink. but there is a 1 hour wait to get into the bar so BENNY has a crif dog's hot dog instead.

BENNY LIKES GAMES

BENNY wants to play a game of Double Dragon. BENNY thinks he can beat the high-score. but he can't play as well as he would like. BENNY doesn't have skillz... or appendages, like arms and fingers. poor BENNY.

BENNY CONSIDERS GETTING A TATOO

BENNY thinks it's hip to get inked. so BENNY visits a tattoo shop on St. Marks with the least scary name. he picks Fun City. BENNY tries to flirt with the tattooed princess at the counter. she's a can't-touch-this also. BENNY can't decide which tattoo would increase his chances with the ladies. so BENNY decides not to get inked. wise choice BENNY.

BENNY WALKS

BENNY walks across 1st Ave. BENNY is growing hungry again.

BENNY CONSIDERS GETTING HIPSTER FRAMES

BENNY thinks it is now sufficiently hip to be a "four-eyes". so he visits a frames shop in the east village. BENNY asks for help from the sales person, LIONEL. but LIONEL informs BENNY that most frames would probably be too tight and constrictive around BENNY's head, causing severe headaches all day long. BENNY feels like he has been severely insulted and yells profanities at LIONEL. LIONEL tells BENNY to leave his shop. BENNY loses the desire to purchase hipster frames and leaves the frames shop.

BENNY VISITS THE FLEA MARKET

BENNY stops by the 11th st Flea Market on A and 11th st. BENNY hopes that he is not mistaken for junk and sold to the highest bidder.

BENNY LIKES THIS JACKET

BENNY fancies this leather jacket and considers stealing it. but the Dominican woman selling the jacket has a cane with a sharp edge. BENNY decides not to steal the leather jacket. wise choice BENNY.

BENNY STEALS A SKATEBOARD

BENNY walks by the skateboarders in TSP and "borrows" an unattended one. BENNY then tries to do tricks but falls. the owner of the skateboard takes his skateboard back and punches BENNY in retaliation. luckily, it was a soft blow and BENNY is made out of yielding inflatable plastic. so BENNY is fine. close call BENNY.

BENNY IS BRUNCH HUNGRY TAKE 2

BENNY tries his luck at brunch again, this time at Cafe Mogador on St. Marks. the short hipster hostess tells him 1 to 1.5 hrs. BENNY decides that is an absurd amount of time to wait for Moroccan eggs, yells out a profanity, and moves on.

BENNY DECIDES TO GET A MANICURE

after the skateboard incident, BENNY decides he needs a manicure. BENNY doesn't have a problem walking into a nail salon and being the only male in there. BENNY believes that being surrounded by women touching other women is relaxing. therefore, BENNY believes that the prefix 'man' makes it ok to get a manicure and that the suffix of cure is accurate. this is BENNY's attempt at wit.

BENNY IS TACOS HUNGRY

BENNY is hungry again and stops by his favorite taco stand on 2nd st and A, Taco Morales. BENNY loves tacos. he believes they hold secret powers. he claims they have saved him from many alcohol-related deaths.

BENNY IS NOT .99 PIZZA HUNGRY

BENNY walks by this pizza spot and wonders: who in his right mind would eat a 99 cent pizza?

BENNY FEELS LAZY

BENNY feels lethargic and lazy after eating 5 tacos and decides he cannot walk any farther. so BENNY jumps into a cab that takes him 3 blocks. BENNY thinks he is a high-roller. BENNY doesn't stand with the 99%.

BENNY IS THIRST

BENNY decides he needs a beer so he walks into his local favorite bar, Mamas. BENNY tries to hit on the chick sitting to the left of him with the fur hat. he fails because she is into black dudes, not Cubans. BENNY is Cuban. poor BENNY.

BENNY IS THIRSTY, STILL

BENNY decides he needs another beer after getting shot-down by the stupid dumb blond wearing a dead animal on her head. so BENNY orders another beer and furiously drinks it all down. then BENNY burps loudly and offends the other patrons, including the bartender with tribal tattoos on his face. the guy to the right of BENNY calls him a rude bastard. BENNY shouts a profanity at the guy and leaves the bar.

BENNY CONSIDERS BUYING TURNTABLES

BENNY likes music. BENNY thinks he can do a better job than those other unskilled dj's and producers. so BENNY calls over the hipster sales person, STEPHAN, and asks for recommendations. STEPHAN asks BENNY a few questions about BENNY's ambitions, preferences, and overall level of knowledge of turntables, mixing and recording tracks. BENNY feels severely insulted and shouts a profanity at STEPHAN. STEPHAN tells BENNY to leave. BENNY loses his desire to purchase turntables and leaves the turntable shop.

BENNY SHOPS FOR WINE

at this point BENNY feels that he deserved to treat himself after such a long and grueling day so he visits his ye local wine shop on the corner of A and 2nd st. BENNY asks for advice from BEN that works there. BENNY is partial to BEN because, well, BENNY is unsure why but BENNY feels safe and calm and familiar around BEN. i asked BENNY later if, perhaps, he only felt that way because of the similarity of their names. BENNY thinks i'm stupid.

BENNY DECIDES TO DRINK THE DAY AWAY

BENNY wants to drink his bottle of wine, immediately. BENNY loves a good cab. so BENNY takes a seat at Poco. Poco isn't byob, but BENNY doesn't give a shit. this is where BENNY and i parted ways. i hope to get to hang out with BENNY again soon, preferably when he's a bit more sober.